"Lip from Larry"

Over 17 years ago I was on a date with a man who had a background in Greek philosophy. Mostly as in intellectual exercise, I asked him about the nature of love. He told me something that surprised me because it went contrary to what I believed. "Love," he said "is not an emotion." This idea has affected every relationship I have had since then, and so I would like to share this philosophy with you, my readers. As they say in the 12-step programs "Take what you like and leave the rest."

Our emotions are constantly moving and changing, much like the water in a stream. Observing a baby you can see how quickly emotions change from crying to laughing to excitement to contentment all within a few minutes of each other. We all understand that sexual desire is a changing emotion, although some of us may still think that over years their desire for someone will remain the same. It does not. At best, the desire takes on a different nature, but more commonly, sexual desire fades. You cannot build a relationship, or even a friendship, based on sexual desire. You need something more stable. I think people understand this, but much more common is the belief that a relationship can be based on romance. Romances were stories of excitement and adventure they were originally about knights and chivalry but are now love stories. Now whether you are reading a medieval romance or a Danielle Steele novel, it is designed to stir the emotions but most importantly it is fictitious. Yes, romantic things happen in real life, but like an emotional state, it can not last. You can not build a relationship, not even a friendship, based on romance. You need something more stable.

Love is not an emotion, it is an attitude, the way people regard each other. Love is a commitment, the bond that ties people to one another. Emotions change. Desires ebb and flow and sometimes we indeed do not like being with someone we love but the bond is there, nonetheless. Love never changes unless we consciously choose it to change, and even then it is difficult to do. Commitment may sound too much like obligation, but love that turns into obligation is called co-dependency and it is something we can learn to avoid. Imagine the ties of love, including what we call friendship, as cords which connect us all and form the web. This, I believe, is what holds the world together.

As for that man who told me this, he has been my lover these 17 years. Having the same understanding of what love is about has been a great help in keeping our relationship strong.

Myths may be true stories or totally fictitious. Their purpose is to express the innermost beliefs of a people. A while back a book was written exploring modern urban myths. These include "Alligators Living in the Sewers" (from pet baby alligators flushed down the toilet); the "Dog in the Microwave" (put there to dry off and it exploded) and the "Fried Rat" (which got mixed up with chicken parts at a fast-food restaurant). All these stories are about the effect of modern technology on the natural world.

Among gay chubbies there are myths. The first is "Shirts and Skins." Gym teachers all over the country plot against the fat boys in their class, probably because we do so well in all our other subjects but see through the stupidity of athletics. They came up with the idea of playing basketball and distinguishing one team from the other by making half of the boys take off their shirts. Of course the fat boys are always on the "skins" team. Not only do they get to stand there with their big bellies and flabby tits on display, but they get to run around so everything bounces up and down. The gym teacher and everyone else in the class has a good laugh. (Oh, where were the chasers when I needed them?)

The second is "Passing Inspection" and is about a disco or club, one we really want to get into. Only this club doesn't just have a dress code, they have a body code. Anyone over a certain weight is excluded, just turned away because their body doesn't live up to the standard. "Sorry, that is our policy!"

The third is the most chilling, "The Evil Seducer." It is about a man who poses as an admiring chaser, but when he takes the chubby guy home he turns on him and humiliates him, either by insulting him or making him do humiliating things

And what do these myths all have in common? They all represent assaults on our character based on our weight. And why shouldn't we think that way? It is a message we hear every day, although in a more subtle way. The fact is that we do not have to fear situations like this. Faced with any one of them we could act as self-empowered individuals and not feel humiliated, but instead see the perpetrators of such oppression as the pitiable, pathetic people they are.

When I went to Bear Pride '95 in Chicago, I knew a number of my larger friends went thinking that big guys were really not wanted at a bear group. Instead we found a conference where we were made to feel welcome and wanted and part of the group. And although it was not all chubs and chasers, there were enough of both to keep anyone quite busy. Remember, no one can make you feel bad without your cooperation.

I can remember being at the beach since I was about 10 years old and always wearing a towel over my shoulders. In retrospect I suppose I looked conspicuous always wearing a shawl and drew more attention than I would shirtless. Aside from my dread of embarrassing myself at sports I was especially afraid the gym teacher would make us play basketball because that meant we would play the "skins against the shirts" and how I prayed that I would be one of the shirts. All through my teenage and into my adult years I always envied (and lusted after) other boys and men when they would go shirtless in hot weather but I could not bring myself to do the same. You see I had to hide them and I am sure many chubbies reading this know exactly what I am talking about -- TITS.

Now I know what a lot of you readers are thinking, you just love guys with big tits and yes, I know, I know. I have been coming to G&M for quite a while and have learned that they are a big draw and if I was paying any attention before that I would have noticed that they were always a big draw. And it doesn't fit with my philosophy to be ashamed of having feminine traits, in fact I am very proud that I can cook and sew and I like to wear earrings and necklaces and even have been known to dress in drag, but those are choices I made as an adult. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my subconscious, there is still a little boy who is afraid of being ridiculed for having tits like a girl.

Last Summer I was persuaded to take off my shirt at a G&M dance and although I was a little embarrassed, I must say the response was very impressive. So, thank you, G&M, with your help I am getting over it.

Be Political, Not Polite

The Eastern Conference was fantastic, however, there was something that happened at the conference that leaves me thinking not too pleasant thoughts. Friday night the fire alarm went off. It turned out to be a false alarm, but while we were standing outside in the cold watching the firetrucks, some of us had a chance to interact with the firemen and the other guests. There was a big sign in the lobby that said Girth and Mirth on it and one of the other guests asked one of our more slender members why he belongs to such a group.. He said "I am a Weight Watchers counselor." Later I heard one of the firemen standing in the middle of a group of chubbies say "Gee, if I stand next to you guys I look good." They just laughed along with him.

Now I am not writing this to berate anyone, just to make a point to all of us. If there is one thing that all of us in G&M agree on, it is that fat men are attractive, whether that means ourselves, the men we are attracted to, or both. Unfortunately the rest of our culture believes that all fat people are unhappy about their size and that thinner means better. That message is so ingrained, that the very concept of being a fat person who is happy about his weight, or being someone who finds fat men attractive is a truly radical concept in this culture where people are literally starving themselves to death because they think they are too fat. If we have that kind of power lets use it.

Okay, okay, guys, I hate this political stuff just as much as you do. G&M is a wonderful place to just forget that world out there, but unfortunately there is a battle to be fought. All I am asking is that you be proudly and unashamedly yourselves and don't let people assume you think like they do when you do not. I know it is hard, but just do it and remember there is always a hug (or more) waiting for you at G&M.

Just so you shouldn't stay up nights with unrelenting curiosity wondering why this column is called "Lip from Larry" I will tell you.

My best friend in High School was Bob. Now Bob had a peculiar way of expressing his affection, he liked to tease, more like humiliate, me. I am sure he felt that since he himself was a bit "overweight" that I wouldn't be offended by fat jokes. Needless to say, being 14, I was offended, but didn't know how to do anything except pretend to be amused. What really hurt was when Bob's six year old brother asked me if I really wore size 42 pants. Needless to say it was years before I would tell anyone my sizes again. It took Girth and Mirth to make me realize that I don't need to be ashamed that I now wear size 52 pants, size 22 shirt and 4XLT sweater, my birthday is in August, I like red, blue and black...ah, but I digress.

Bob liked to draw cartoons and his picture of me was always the same, a huge round body and a head with giant lips. The grotesque face bothered me, was he now saying that I was ugly too? Finally I remembered that my parents had given me a notepad which said "Lip from Larry" and that is what he was making fun of. I was relieved that Bob had not reached a new level of insult, and I saw that I had become a bit paranoid about some friendly (although inconsiderate) kidding.

My point is that 25 years later such things don't bother me, not because I have stuffed my feelings, but because I have come to learn that being fat, like being gay is not something to be ashamed of. People like Bob are still fighting the lifelong battle to control their weight, and still looking down on people like me to boost their self image, but I have something much more valuable, I have Wide Pride.

The Bears: A Chubby Perspective

Soon after coming out, I found out that being fat in the gay community put me at a big disadvantage. Back in 1978 the only place I could find where thinness was not quite so much at a premium was at the leather bars, and so that is where I went a lot. If I had come out some 10 years later, I would have found the Bears and hung out with them. Flannel is, after all, cheaper than leather.

So where was Girth and Mirth through all this? The description I heard of it, which is not too far from G&M's official publicity did not sound very appealing to me. Coming out was the best thing I did in my life and I desperately wanted to fit in to my new community. "A club for large men and their admirers" conjured up images of side show freaks, the antithesis of fitting in.

What is my point? Girth and Mirth is open and unabashed about what it is but that doesn't equal good marketing, which involves creating a sugar coated image, focusing on fantasy and catering to people's neuroses. On the other hand, the "Bear" image has been marketed very well, as John Peebles pointed out last month. Thankfully the courts have told us that neither Bear Magazine, nor the Bear clubs own the word, so any nastiness they get involved in is simply not the point. Anyone with a bit of insight will realize it is important NOT to define "Bear," that is what the magic is all about. When people have been smart enough to let this magic work there has always been a place for chubbies and chasers under the banner of Bear. In fact you may say that the Bear movement has attracted a lot of chubbies and chasers who are too insecure to belong to Girth and Mirth. I say fine, whatever gets you through the night. Girth and Mirth has created a private heaven for chubbies and chasers, but by doing so it has accepted our marginalization by the gay community. The Bear movement, with all its faults, has created a new image in the mainstream of the gay community -- and one which I can fit into! We need both, (and more). Frankly I say anything that will help fat men get laid...excuse me...find meaningful relationships, is a precious thing.

One thing I learned from the New Age movement is to affirm myself and other people. If you hear something enough it you will believe it. So, I make it a point never to hesitate to inform people of their good qualities. Unfortunately a lot of men I know (disclaimer: I am not talking about one person here, this same thing has happened over and over) just don't want to hear it. They will joke about it, or accuse me of false flattery or out and out deny what I say.

Different people find different people attractive, there is no denying that. This has led to the saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" . I want to propose a different explanation of this, coming from an experienced beholder. Whatever beauty is, I believe it is there. Perhaps it is a totally subjective but, to consolidate a long philosophical treatise into one sentence, just because we cant measure something with scientific instruments, doesn't mean it is not real. In fact those subjective realities are more important to our lives than much of what fills up science texts. Beauty, attractiveness, sexiness, "bearishness" is something I live for and my only conclusion from the facts is that they are present in everyone, it just takes a special eye to see them. I know because there are people whose beauty I never saw before, then I changed and they were different. And of course the opposite happens too. For everyone, I know there are people who can see their beauty. Chubby chasers can see just how beautiful and sexy fat men are, while most of the world is blind to it. The question to ask is not "why am I attracted to...." but rather "why isn't everybody?" Seeing beauty in someone is a precious gift, a special vision and something we need to cultivate in ourselves, not something to question.

Bi -- what?

While I was at Convergence, a "chaser" friend and I were man-watching on the streets of New York. He pointed out someone he was attracted to, and before he could take back what he said, I had noticed this person was, much to my shock, not chubby. My friend broke out in a cold sweat and started to stammer uncontrollably. Finally he looked at me thorough teary eyes and with trembling voice said "I am a bi-size-al" I held back my loathing and disgust and tried to be compassionate. But how could this person (whose name many of you would recognize) dare to go against the unwritten credo of G&M? You are either a chaser or you are not.

Well, I'm confessing folks, I am a bi-size-ual too. It is a bit easier for me to get away with, being chubby myself. After all, it is hard be involved with G&M and the way it eroticizes the fat physique, without thinking that chubby guys are attractive, even if you did not think so before. But, nevertheless I have heard the accusation "You like everybody" Not true, not true. I don't have anything nearly as specific as weight that makes a big difference for me, but, believe me, there are lots of men I see (even at G&M -- sorry, guys) who I am definitely not attracted to.

Finally, I must say there is a self-image issue here. I know because I snapped at a friend when I thought he made this implication. Not every guy who is attracted to me is a chubby chaser. Now I hope chasers don't feel put down, but it is important to me to know that there are men who are usually interested in average size men, but are nonetheless. attracted to me. I am sure my chaser friends would still like me if I was 100 lbs. thinner (don't worry folks, it ain't gonna happen) but, they probably wouldn't have met me in the first place. And that's the way it is, it's not a matter of right of wrong but you can see how it can bother me.

Maybe it's because my weight has made so many people not interested in me, but I dream of a world where sexual attraction is not based on physical attributes. That is just not going to happen, and perhaps, for some reason I don't understand, that is for the best.

Needless to say that for a Convergence "virgin" like me, the Labor Day weekend was a fantastic experience. What made it so fantastic was the men, of course, which is what I want to talk about this month. I can't help thinking that for many years I was quite afraid of men, while being attracted to them. Some bad experiences with my classmates in elementary school damaged the trust I had for people of my own sex but I am happy to say that it took only 20 years to regain my comfort. I find that strong, hard exterior with the warm, sensitive interior the most endearing thing in the world, and this describes to some extent every man I have meant. It is just so ... oh, I better not go on with this, I feel myself falling in love, not with anyone in particular, but with all the men I have met. Let me pull myself together here. OK, thank you, now to continue.... Unfortunately I am losing my ability to just have sex and leave it at that and am developing this self-destructive urge toward emotional involvement. Having two parents, a lover and maybe one good friend is all I am capable of handling and maintaining my sanity. But no, now I have to start caring about the people I have sex with. Now I feel sad when they are sad, I have to handle their bad moods, I have to worry about them. I am starting to care about them more than I do myself. It is just too much. Convergence was just another step in that direction, people are moving closer and closer to me, from stranger to trick, from trick to friend and from friend to deep involvement. Where does it end?

Now you may think there is a simple solution to this problem -- just say no. But the fact is that I can't. Without these men in my life, there wouldn't be much of a life left. Maybe I should take up a hobby, like collecting butterflies, but why bother? -- they would only remind me of men. This whole thing is scary, because when you get in a relationship, any kind of relationship, with someone you are giving away some control over your own life. Maybe I should go to a support group, maybe I should see a therapist....no, that would only remind me of men. I could go on about this, but it is pointless, I'm not going to change, because I don't want to. Anyway, I don't want to sit here writing any more, I have to be get ready for the party tonight. I hear there are going to be some nice guys there.

Can't we all get along?

There is a saying "The friends of my friends are my friends" on the other hand your wife's lover is someone you can murder and get away with it in many places. In the gay world, with its complex intermixture of friendships and sexual relationships neither of these applies perfectly. It was always my dream that the first would prevail and that we could all be a family of lovers. That is because unlike heterosexuals, we are all potential friends and lovers. But unbeknownst to me, as I became involved with Girth and Mirth (which I still consider the most wonderful thing that has happened to me in the past 5 years) I became involved in a "heterosexual" situation, that is, one where people are interested in people different from themselves, creating two groups of people -- Chubbies and Chasers. Not unlike straight men and women, rivalries and jealousies can arise between members of the same group. Put in a nutshell, I really hurts when people you care about don't like each other.

Now I know there are a number of folks reading this and thinking that I am writing about them. The fact is that I can name off the top of my head four of my friends who dislike four of my other friends. In each case, the person feels the way he does for what he believes are good reasons. But I find that even when I agree with someone on the facts, for some reason I do not share their judgments. Maybe my friends are blinded by viewing each other as the competition and maybe I'm blinded by my attraction to people, or their attraction to me. I also can not judge harshly the ones making the judgments, for much the same reasons. This is all very disconcerting, especially since I am not used to being the object of people's desire and never learned how to handle the difficult situations that can sometimes put you in. I'm not a chubby chaser myself so I can't presume to understand what it is like, but I am trying to understand and every once in a while get a flash of insight from something someone tells me. This time of year is about hope and my hope for the coming year is that we all can better learn to understand each other. I promise to do my part.

Recently I have been put in a role I enjoy greatly, being a teacher. You see I met someone recently who is both chubby and young and I had the pleasure of introducing him to Girth and Mirth and the world of chubbies and chasers. I can say he is taking to it with relish, much as I did a few years back, and is very willing to absorb any information I have to give him. Out of what I been telling him, I have devised the following list:

1. You are breathtakingly gorgeous on some people's eyes. After you savor the joy of that thought, consider the responsibilities that go along with it, things you have never had to think about before. You now have to deal with how to reject people, how to flirt with people you don't want it to go any further with, how to weed down your suitors because there are so many of them.
2. Although the thought may horrify you, some people want to see you get fatter. How do you handle people who say this when indeed you do like to eat and will probably gain weight, but would rather not, or even want to lose weight? What do you really want, to get fatter, to get thinner or stay the same .... you will have to make a decision because it is something that will come up.
3. Going with someone you aren't really attracted to because he has something wrong with him and will not mind your weight is no longer necessary. In fact, it is really questionable whether this is a good thing to do in the first place. What if he knew what you are thinking?
4. Some chasers are really turned on by your belly and want to play with it more than other parts of your body you prefer to have played with. You will just have to work that out with them so you both get what you want.
5. Keep your chasers separate! Just because you really like chaser A and chaser B doesn't mean they will like each other, in fact they may very well be jealous of one another.
6. Most chasers like their chubbies to be dominant, tops, older, and hairy. It helps to look like a "Bear" so wear jeans and flannel shirts and grow a beard.
7. Don't sweat #6 because a lot of chasers are looking for partners who are submissive, bottoms, younger, smooth, clean shaven, or any combination of these. The "Bear" look is a turn off for some.
8. Now that you've discovered where you can find chasers, you will feel like a kid in a candy shop. Don't go for everything, go for what you really want.
9. Believe it of not, chasers have self image problems too. They may be embarrassed about their sexual proclivities so do not talk about it unless they bring it up (even though the whole idea just tickles you pink)
10. Be available to introduce other chubbies to G&M, but don't force it on them, many are not ready to hear it.

The Dark Side

Last month I wrote about what I am teaching a young chubby friend as I introduce him to the world of Girth and Mirth. I can't give a list of Ten Things a Chaser Should Know because I have not been there. But I would like to talk about what I, as a fat man, would like chasers to know about, something I don't think many understand.

Some of you idolize us. I know you think when it comes to sexual attractiveness that we are far above any thin person. For some the idolization goes far beyond that, you think we are just better people, more likable, fun to be around. I am very flattered by that but I can't help thinking -- what planet have you guys been living on? Nobody thinks fat people are better, least of all fat people themselves. It has been a constant barrage telling me that my body is "out of shape," "overweight," and even "disgustingly fat." And I have heard this so much all my life, not just from Oprah Winfrey and Ricki Lake, but from members of my own family, people I love and respect. And the worst thing about it is that there is a part of me that believes it. There is a part of me that looks at any thinner man and thinks -- he is thin, he has it made. There is a part of me that looks in the mirror and is repulsed. There is a part of me that cannot believe anyone thin would be attracted to me because they are so much better than I am There is a part of me that thinks it an honor to be accepted by thinner people as friends. There is a part of me that feels like a freak.

For those friends who are now concerned about me, I want to say, this is only a small part of me that thinks these things. These voices get smaller and smaller every day and my aim is to feel as good about being fat as I do about being gay, and that certainly didn't happen in a day. But my point here is that I want everyone who has friends and lovers who are fat to realize that this dark side exists, stronger in some, weaker in others, it is something we live with and its something that gets in the way of living.

To quote a friend "I really don't understand chasers, but I am sure glad they are around."

As I am sitting here at my computer writing this article my lover, Mick, is asleep in the next room. For all those who find that a romantic, enviable situation, this article is for you. Mick and I met less than a year after we both came out and have been each others only long-term relationship (except for his ex-wife) for the past 16 years. I know some of you are getting a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. But the fact is that, if you know me, I don't often speak in glowing terms about him. Unfortunately most of my gay friends simply do not want to hear this. Therein lies my problem with many gay men, they have an unrealistic concept of what lover relationships are like. So I would like to give my list of Six Myths About Gay Male Relationships

1. If you have a lover you will never again feel lonely, isolated or alienated. (Sorry, this is part of the human condition, and often your lover will be tired of playing your "therapist")
2. If you have a lover, you will be able to have sex whenever and however you want. (Are you ready to have sex anytime, anyway? Why do you think he will be?)
3. If you have a lover you will never fall in love with anybody else. (You don't stop getting attached to other men, even if you practice monogamy. You just have to learn to handle it)
4. Chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and washing dishes are a pleasure when you are doing them for someone you love. (Your Mom could have told you about this)
5. You and your lover will share the same interests. Even if you didn't start out with them, you will become interested just to please each other (At first maybe, but eventually you will get tired of his opera and he will tire of your punk rock).
6. . If it doesn't work, both of you will realize this and agree to separate on friendly terms. (Talk to anyone who has been though it)

Maybe it is because of these myths that there are so many single men. Maybe they are expecting to find something that is unrealistic. And maybe that is why so many relationships fail, because they fall short of these expectations.

Mick is still sleeping on the couch, snoring. I may complain about him but I really do love him and appreciate him. He even mopped the floor yesterday without being asked! And I have come to realize that everything is not his fault. Even this humble columnist, who I know you all idolize, can sometimes be a total bitch . Just ask Mick.

This is my life

Well, my friends, here I am again sitting down to write my article for Fat Apple Review and as usual it is the last minute. As I write this it is the day before the April G&M party and I am looking forward to a pleasant, if somewhat hectic weekend. No longer is the G&M party a matter of taking up an evening, but now it is preceded by the BB party at the Cellblock making this a whole day affair. After I come home, (keep in mind that I live in Connecticut) I have to get a good night's sleep and head of the next day to Easter dinner with my parents on Cape Cod. And this is not to mention that I still haven't sent in my taxes, which I have to mail by Monday. So for the past few days I have been bitching, sometimes to other people, but mostly to myself about how hectic my life is. And you know what? I think I actually like it that way.

The Jewish holiday of Passover begins tomorrow and what impresses me is that its purpose is to remind people of what the past was like and how things today, no matter how bad, are better than they used to be. So, as I tear my hair out, and yell and scream because I am so stressed out, I want to remember what was. There was a time when I did not know about G&M. I tolerated my fat body at best, rarely if ever did I feel I looked good except from the neck up. There was a time when I only went to New York City for the Gay Pride parade, now I go nearly every other week. There was a time when I would be afraid to go to a club like the Cellblock, not afraid of what would happen to me, but afraid of being rejected. There was a time when I watched every Saturday Night Live, now I am rarely home on Saturday night. There was a time I wanted a friend who lived near me who could share my interests in G&M and now I have one. There was a time when a bear was just an animal in the woods, now it is a name people call me when they give me a sexy smile. Most of all I want to remember there was a time, years ago when I was in the closet, I had few friends and a great fear inside me. It is truly like being set free from bondage. Although all the things in my life sometimes pile up on me, it is good to remember that this is the life I have chosen to live.

There's a lot of talk going around about the "Fat Pill," which may not literally be a pill, but some safe and easy to lose weight. It may be a dream come true for most of America, but it is a frightening thought for many of us. Chasers may not realize just how many chubbies would jump at the chance. Chubs may not realize that the social pressure to slim down will be enormous, since about 99% of the chubbies in the world will opt for it. Soon it will become impossible to buy large clothes off the rack and people will not hesitate to point out that you are simply taking up too much space. What will be touted as a way of giving people more options in life will, in reality, narrow our choices and further enforce conformity.

But there is no gay pill, and there never will be. A lot of us think this is because science could never discover a way to change sexual orientation. I am not so sure if science got behind it they could not come up with a way. The reason is that science these days will not do it. The great accomplishment of the gay and lesbian movement is not to convince straight America we did not choose to be gay, or that we cannot change, but to convince them that we do not need to change. That is what gay pride is about and that is what we celebrate this month.

Because my sexual orientation is so intertwined with my identity I march in the Gay Pride Parade each year and feel free to be me but there is more to diversity than that. If we are to truly fashion a world in which diversity is celebrated, we must celebrate our bodies too.

I have been to events where nudity was common and nearly every time someone tells me (since I am one of the largest people) how beautiful it is to see naked human bodies in their various sizes and shapes. I know that some people are not pleased to see fat people there, but it is a pleasant surprise to hear that people appreciate the variety of bodies we humans have.

So get out there and march! Be visible and let people that you too are a part of the community.

He's So Shy

A survey once taken showed that 60% of the people are shy and an additional 20% say they were once shy, but got over it. This does not surprise me at all. I don't think I can name five people I know who do not consider themselves shy. I constantly here "Excuse me for being so shy" or "I would have but I was too shy." I especially don't like hearing "I was really attracted to you but did not talk to you because I was too shy" since, yes, I am shy myself, and wish that all the men that are interested in me, of course not including the ones I am not interested in, would come up to me and introduce themselves. I suspect that shyness plays a major role in keeping people separate from one another, and that is very sad. Here we have fought this long battle against homophobia so that gay men would have safe places to meet each other and what do we find is standing in our way but our own shyness.

This has an interesting bent for chubbies and chasers. You see, many of us chubbies expect the chasers to make the first move. "After all" I have heard said "they are 'chasers' so they should do the chasing." The reasoning goes like this, chubby guys are obvious in public, chasers are not, so since we can't identify the chasers they must make the first move. Now this reasoning may work in your ordinary gay bar, but why doesn't it change when we are at Girth and Mirth ? This whole reasoning assumes chasers are not struggling with shyness themselves, and believe me, many are. Believe it or not, many chasers have a negative body image, even though they are rarely rejected by the big guys they go after. Fat people are not the only people in the world to have a reason (logical or illogical) for being shy.

One of the disadvantages of shyness, and expecting the other person to make the first move is that you can only choose to be with the people who have the assertiveness to come up to you and talk. Also, those who do talk to you will tend to be aggressive, determined and perhaps pushy people. Perhaps a person who would be the perfect lover is standing right next to you, but you are both too shy to talk.

I know it is not easy. It is a daily struggle for me. Some of the things that help me are: letting go of expectations, not being afraid of rejection, not worrying about making a fool out of myself and remembering that the other person is very much like me on the inside.

Sometimes I think that chasers should be sympathetic to the plight of fat people in the world....but then I remember that they are only human, and often do not understand at all. I try hard to understand their situation too, but maybe I just don't get it either. I've been thinking about three hypothetical chasers, which relate to many men I have met.

Number one is the kind of chaser who is only interested in your waistline measurements. Their idea of sex talk is asking how much weight you have gained in the last year and how many hot dogs you could eat at one sitting. Now some of you encouragers out there may feel I am attacking you, and perhaps that is the kind of person I am talking about, but I don't think all encouragers are like this. Perhaps if people like this were talking about my dick I would have more tolerance, but this would still strike me as treating someone like a piece of meat instead of a person. People like this don't want any involvement at all, they want to keep a distance emotionally and often physically also.

Number two is the other side of the coin. This type of chaser is hurt by the (true) assertion that "You just can't understand what it is like." They go overboard to be sensitive to the needs of fat people, speaking up for them far more than they do for themselves. This too can be a bit annoying, because I am not so wounded and disadvantaged as this kind of person thinks. It's nice to have someone help me put my coat on, but I want him to know, I can do it myself. It's sweet when someone is indignant that people are making fun of me, but my ability to just not notice serves quite well, thank you.

Type number three falls in the middle. They do care about the people they are involved with. They are doing what is normally expected of friends and lovers, but like the two others they simply will never understand what it is like. They will talk about clothes, for example, not thinking that buying clothes is a totally different experience when your size is 4XL. They will bring you to restaurants where you can't fit in the chairs and not understand why you look so pained all evening. Worst of all they are unconscious of all the abuse and rejection you have dealt with for being fat.

Maybe I'm leaving no space for chaser to call himself a good guy, and maybe that is not fair. I really don't mean to put them down as a group. If it weren't for chasers, I wouldn't have many friends left. It is just that I am bemoaning with my best '90s Angst, the way chubbies and chasers seem to be two groups of very different people, with very different life experiences who sometimes make strange bedfellows.

Oh, poor Miss Betty Larue! Ever since she was a little girl everyone said how she had such a cute face. She was smart and talented, played the piano real well, and was always ready with a joke. Yes, she would have been the perfect catch for any young man, perfect that is except for that mane of blazing red hair. Everyone in town agreed, she would be just perfect, if she would do something about that hair, it was....well, unsightly. Her parents thought the world of her, but constant told her "you have to dye it!" and Betty thought about it, even tried it many times, but it just didn't take right. That old red color would always come back, no matter what. Betty got really sick of it, sick of the constant chorus of "dye it, dye it!" sick of always being told what was wrong with her, but most of all sick of the fact that she couldn't find any boyfriends because of her shocking hair color. If the truth be told, there were a few boys in her life, but she just knew that they only wanted her because they were desperate, not because there was anything they liked about her.

One day Betty moved to the big city and discovered her red hair was not such a liability at all. In fact, there were a number of men who just went hog wild when they saw Betty, her long red hair hanging down to her waist. Now Betty felt wanted and desired, something she had never felt before. Now she had an army of admirers at her beck and call, because, after all, our Miss Larue had never learned how to turn men down, and besides, why say no to an admirer when they were so nice to show interest? And, well, not to get too off-color, she discovered sex, lots of it. They wanted her, not because she worked so hard at being nice or funny or smart, but because she looked good, red hair and all. One day a man from Red Top Magazine came and asked her to pose for a nude layout. Now she had admirers telling her what they did when they had her pictures, and you know what? She just ate it up.

Sometime down the road Betty began to realize the consequences of never saying no. Oh no, she didn't get pregnant or get a disease or anything, just that in the midst of all this attention, she used a lot of people. You see Betty had put building up her self esteem above all else, it had, after all been in such bad shape to begin with. She met quite a few nice men, but never had time to get to know any one of them, maybe even unwittingly hurt a few of them. Then there were the ones who were just too shy to talk. Maybe somewhere there was the man who could have made her happy for the rest of her life but she would never know.

Maybe someone who is reading (or writing) this article will learn something from the story of Miss Betty Larue.

It's a real bitch being single in G&M... It seems like everyone else is paired off and it gets to be more and more difficult to find a lover. Lots of people want to have sex with you, but that's as far as it will go.

It's a real bitch being monogamous at G&M. People call you a tease and some even go so far as to ask why you come to G&M in the first place. And you know if you make one indiscretion everyone will gossip about it, especially those who are trying to get you to make another.

It's a real bitch being in an open relationship at G&M. People accuse you of using them for sex and often don't want to have anything to do with you when they find out. Some are tacky enough to say out loud that there is obviously something wrong with your relationship or you would not have to sleep around.

It's a real bitch being married to a woman at G&M. People consider you an outsider who just wants to get his jollies and then return to heterosexual respectability. Many are openly disgusted by the idea of your having a wife.

So the moral of the story is...The grass is always greener on the other side. All of these situations have advantages as well as disadvantages .

My advice: Respect other people's lifestyle choices. Accept that your current situation, even if you want to change it, is a result of choices you have made. All of these situations have both advantages and disadvantages. And one more bit of advice...we need to treat each other openly and honestly, so before the conversation gets around to sex, let the person know your situation. It took me a while to get this down, mea culpa, and I would like to say I finally had a surge of ethical responsibility. The truth is it was just too impractical to avoid telling people I had a lover without blatantly lying. So I guess you all know now.